Mortality, timeline, years, days of future passed, slow below the surface, carpe diem. I’m floundering dealing with all of these things.

This has been a time period unlike any I can recall. Life brings loss, that’s part of the game, but never before have I dealt with so much loss in what seems like so short a time. Family and friends, and family of friends no one seems to have been spared this time. It seems as if each day I get notification of another passing. I guess the positive, selfish, personal way to look at it is that while I’m getting these notifications and messages, I’m on the “right side” of the notices. That does not lessen the sense of loss, nor does it, in any way, ease the reality that with each passing day, week, month, year, I’m closer to being on the “wrong side” of those notices, closer to being the subject instead of the recipient of said notices.

Add to this the cataclysmic life and location changes about to occur and it seems like there is no respite. I can’t seem to shut down, I can’t seem to remove myself from said thoughts. I try to distract myself, but even that is very short lived (no pun intended there) and before too long the reality of mortality leaps to the forefront yet again.

Sometimes solitude and silence are calming, sometimes they are terrifying. Laughter, music, friends, gatherings are all helpful, yet there are times where I want nothing to do with any of it. Box checking for the upcoming move is both exciting and tear inducing. Change is good, stagnation is terrible, I know that, but then the fact of the position on the timeline brings forward the thought “why?? what good will it do??”

I find myself simultaneously looking to socialize as much as possible, but also feeling far less social and much less conversational and gregarious.

I guess the good news is I’m aware of how I feel, I will break said cycle and I am confident things will be incredibly joyful and full of adventure before too long. I just hope that shift comes sooner….

Closing this tome, as usual, with some apropos song lyrics….

“Those voices you’re hearing
Are never worth fearing
They’re only inside you
They’ll tempt you and taunt you
They’ll help you and haunt you
But don’t try to hide.

Sometimes the sun will be
Right at your shoulder
Helping you keep your stride“

“You’re running so fast
That you can’t find the past
And your future is wearing thin
Come from behind
It’s a matter of time
‘Til you see where you’ve always been
Oh, I think you should know
You’ve got to go slow
Below the surface
And easy through the waves“