I think I’ve gone this route in some prior posts, but I’m gonna do down that road again it seems.

I’m really struggling to stay mentally “upright” at the moment. There are days where things are just great, but there are other days where it seems like I’m walking around with a multitude of cinder blocks on my head and chest. I fall asleep pretty easily but almost daily, I wake up around 2 or 3 AM and I start to stress and rarely can fall back asleep restfully. I start to catalog the events of the day/week whatever I need to do, and that leads down mental rabbit holes none of which seem to have any light at the end of any tunnel.

Some days, a round of golf will take me “away” for a while, however, when I don’t play well, that simply adds to my malaise, and even golf comes to an end after a few short hours. I do feel that I am in some sort of control on the course, (that is, until I hit an offline shot), and the air and sunshine (mostly) do help a lot.

I miss the ocean, it’s so bad that other than going to the beach in Greenwich once this year, I’ve not even suggested it. Normally, my MO at the beach is to sit for a short while, then take a run along the beach, swim, sit, read, eat lunch, then repeat the first few steps. This year, the trip we did make didn’t really allow for a run (just not safe to do with all the folks around, impossible to stay distant enough), so it was sitting, a bit of lunch, a small dip, then a LOT more sitting. One of the things that has happened over the past 5 years with my sleeve surgery and dramatic weight loss is that I really can’t sit still for too long any more. I need to move (making up, I guess, in my head, for years, almost decades, of not being ABLE to move comfortably) and I need to be active (that’s another reason why I so love walking when I play golf, though even that due to the last dehydration episode, is not a matter of riding while it’s hot and humid, so even that has taken away some of the joy). Due to the inability to move as much on the beach I’ve not suggested even once beyond the first time that we go, and that’s not even the ocean, just a small spit of Long Island Sound.

I’m writing this as we get ready for 10 hours or so of Tropical Storm stuff, also adding to my irritation. It’s dark, humid, and just plain crappy…

I know it will all turn around, I know that a year from now we will “look back and it (may) all seem funny”, but for the moment I’m living under the lip of a very big sand trap with a plugged lie and it seems as if my wedge is broken…the real problem is that at my seemingly rapidly advancing age, a year is a long amount of time to give away.

Guess the only thing to do is to keep swinging until I’m clear of the lip….oh, and wear a goddamn mask and keep your gatherings to small, outside, appropriately spaced events so we can be done with this crap…..