profkf's Blog

It’s national ____________________fill in the blank day (or week or month…). I get it, but I also don’t get it.

It’s important for people to feel “seen” or recognized, but the reason for that is exactly that far, far too many do not feel that way and I certainly “get” why. I was never a big fan of studying history, perhaps because my experience with that was a skewed setting in elementary school (the Dominican Nuns had their own take on history), my formative years in HS spent mostly with history classes taught by football coaches who wanted more to talk sports (which I love) than actual events and then incredibly boring college profs , most of whom HATED and made no secret of it teaching non major courses.

What was interesting to me is that with that background I learned far more “history” from my english teachers and profs (and yes, Dr. Rentaro Hashimoto (recently passed) in philosophy in college). The history was always related to the works being read and discussed, each work put in historical perspective. The events of the “day” that Dickens was writing about (I hated Dickens when I was younger), how outstanding it was that Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein as a response to her husband and cohorts dismissing her as a “woman”, the prescience of Orwell and Huxley. What was science “fiction” that is now well beyond science “fact”. Through all of this I developed not only an appreciation for, but a lens to examine the events of the past many years.

All of this is by way of introduction to say how continually upsetting it is that very little has actually changed. There are always groups that hate other groups and try to, and are frequently successful at marginalizing them or worse (or concurrently) subjugating them. Religion, sex, color, gender, language, nationality, sexuality are amongh the flashpoints. The real question is why? Why are so many people threatened by anyone who believes something that they don’t? Why is it seemingly always posted as fear that because one group has something either your group doesn’t or will lose it if they attain it? Why is one “god” good and all other “gods” wrong or evil? Why is it necessary to quote a bible as a ruling document when that was written the same way that Dickens, Orwell, Huxley, King, Stoker, Shelley produced. their literary works, yet the major difference there is that those works aren’t interpreted to allow for subjugation and imposition of will of one group onto another. Why is it necessary that because one person or one group doesn’t “like” something that it should be banned? Why is it that someone who looks or acts differently is dangerous because they are “grooming” folks to act like them (when, in fact, why would they want to do that since they have it soooo much more difficult than those who are afraid of them)

Sixty years ago, this coming August a very poignant, accurate, oft quoted speech was given, I’m sure you know of it…here is just one part:

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

I would like to add to that …not by their appearance, not by who they worship, not by what language they speak, not by who they love, not by their gender

I’m closer to the end of the cradle-grave timeline than I am to the beginning (by a lot), but I still hope that I will get to see more of that dream realized than thwarted before my train pulls into the station.

I long for the day to come where we won’t need individual difference celebration recognition events because there is no longer real difference, we all breath the same air.

I guess I will continue to dream on (and hope).

I’m going down to Lucky Town
Going down to Lucky Town
I wanna lose these blues I’ve found
Down in Lucky Town
Baby, down in Lucky Town

There are some days that just scream for reflection, today is one of those days. It is a spectacularly beautiful afternoon, I am sitting out on my back patio, this is my view.

It may not look like much, but let’s take a small trip to find out why I think it is a lot:

I’m well into my 70th year, I’m healthy (at least as far as I know), I have a partner on this crazy life train who is the best anyone could ever hope for, I have children who have found their own paths and who I can’t do justice with words to express how proud I am of them. Healthy, happy, granddaughters, friends, Abbey THE dog (sitting outside with me now as I write this). I get to look back at decades of a career that was never work as much as it was a daily joy, hopefully having made a very small difference in a world that is currently upside down. I get to listen to music that lifts me up, makes me smile, makes me think, makes me cry, let’s me sing along (very off key but who cares…I sure don’t). I managed to make a move from an area I loved (and still do) to a brand new, comfortable, sunny, place that we now call home.

I could have walked down 100 different roads over the years and I have no clue what nudged me down the ones I chose, I just know that I’ve learned from each road taken and can look back with smiles for each journey, even the bumps were worth it (of course they don’t seem like that at the time but this is a reflection piece so I get to use the filter of hindsight and rose colored glasses don’t I?).

There really is no reason for this post today, other than I felt the need to put fingers to keyboard to simply make a record of how lucky I feel today, especially since some of the more recent posts have been a bit maudlin..

I started with Bruce, but the title is courtesy of ELP, and I’ll use some of those lyrics as an exit line (with a small change)

Ooh, what a lucky man he (is)

So, if you’ve been reading, you know that I have been retired from full time teaching since 2012 and as of June 2021, from part time teaching. We are now fully settled in Bluffton, SC and I have been toying with doing something other than simply living the retirement life.

A few weeks back, a neighbor told me about a part time job he took working the front gate/construction gate and riding patrol for the very “well heeled” community right across from us, Palmetto Bluff. He was having a good time and said they were still looking for folks. I thought, “what the hell” and filled out the paperwork, went on the interview and was offered a job two days a week working the construction gate. The pay is hideous ($15.42 per hour) but it was not about the money, it was simply to try something outside of doing not much. There were also some very nice perks…the major one for me was the ability to play on their very exclusive golf course gratis, (of course having to fit it in around the members but totally understandable)…so I figured, why not, how bad could it be (and it might even be fun) so off I went on Tuesday past for my first shift at the construction gate (basically a training shift) 7 Am to 3 PM (I’ve always been an early guy so that was a pretty attractive timeline instead of the 3-11 or midnight to 8 other options and the main gate).

Off I went at 6:55 in the morning (did I mention it was less than 4/10 of a mile from the house), and met some very nice folks.

The job itself is fairly straight forward: There are three people at the gate, always at the gate, never leaving the gate. There is a small gate house, but the action all takes place outside: Beginning at 7 AM and continuing until 5:45 pm, there is a steady flow of all manner of vehicles. There are two lanes, the far right is for vehicles that have purchased annual decals and the left lane is to pull up to the gatehouse and purchase a daily pass (costs vary by size of vehicle).

One person stands in the middle of the two lanes and looks for the decals on those coming in the right lane, one person stands at the podium at the gatehouse and takes the money, issues the daily pass, writes down the company name, destination and the number of the pass. The third person sits in the gatehouse and records the pass number and the money as it is taken in keeping a running total. While there is some rotation regarding who issues and who enters, there’s not much else to rotate.

While it seems easy, (it is, “easy” in the sense of not really complicated), it is…mind…..numbingly…repetitive and….boring….8 hours, without any change of scene. As I was the new guy being trained most of my time was spent spotting decals and waving folks in….for 8 hours….probably 7 of them standing in one place…even when I did issue passes, it was standing in one place…all the while sucking down the usual vehicular exhaust that comes with idling trucks and other vehicles while they wait for their passes…and/or line up to be waved through. Of course, even though the gatehouse itself is heated and air conditioned, since the flow was fairly constant up until the early afternoon, it was all done outside…where the mosquitos and “no see ums” where happy to feast. Add to that the fact that my two days were really decent weather, however, I could foresee what it would be like when the humidity and heat would descend (never mind the rainstorms which they couldn’t even have an overhang due to the varying sizes of the trucks)

Needless to say, I immediately had “buyer’s remorse”, so yesterday, Thursday, about an hour into the second day, when the boss came to check on how I was doing, my response was “let’s talk later”, to which she replied “do you want to talk now?” “If you’re up to it” I replied…

So I simply told her that I appreciated their interest and the offer, but it was truly not something I saw myself doing long term. She asked if I’d prefer to not even bother with two weeks but she’d be more than willing to consider yesterday the endpoint, and that she could schedule around it (remember I was only being trained at that point anyway, so I was an “extra” the entire two days).

With great relief, we shook hands, and I finished up yesterday (missing the first 6 innings of Yankee Opening Day) and with great joy drove the 4/10 of a mile home fully realizing that at no point now or in the future did I ever want to do any kind of “work” that (a) I didn’t enjoy and (b) would last more than 4 hours tops.

A good news postcript: If you’ve been reading you know how melancholy and seemingly lost I’ve been lately…well, the net effect of this most recent failed experiment is how much more I now fully appreciate the life I have and the total lack of any concrete “clock punching” responsibilities. It’s as if the melancholy was blown away by the fine folks at Safety and Security Services LLC and the exhaust of the gagillion construction vehicles.

And with that, we now return to our regularly scheduled program…..

And a fire in the stars that hang so near, so near
There’s a sound in the wind that blows through the wild mountain holds
Like the sighs of a thousand crying souls, crying souls
There’s a time when the traveler is fated to find
That insight has turned his gaze behind, behind
And the steps taken yesterday will beckon again
And lead to his weary journey’s end, his journey’s end
And in the passage from the cradle to the grave we are born, madly dancing
Rushing headlong through the crashing of the days

Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing
Like the taste of some forbidden sweet
Along the walls in shadowed rafters
Moving like a thought through haunted atmospheres
Muted cries and echoed laughter
Banished dreams that never sank in sleep
Lost in love and found in reason
Questions that the mind can find no answers for

Ghostly eyes conspire treason
As they gather just outside the door
And every ghost that calls upon us
Brings another measure in the mystery

Down the ancient corridors
And through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind

The moon has a face
And it smiles on the lake
And causes the ripples in Time
I’m lucky to be here
With someone I like
Who maketh my spirit to shine

Don’t let us get sick
Don’t let us get old
Don’t let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

Just some incredible lyrics expressing far more eloquently what was running through my head last night…(and yes, tonight also).

I realize I am so incredibly fortunate to be where I am, to be surrounded by the folks I am surrounded by, to have the most amazing, caring, loving, inspirational partner on this journey. It is truly a privilege to grow older…guess I’ll end with that thought tonight…though it’s still time for Alexa to play more…perhaps we’ll start with Years by BNC…who knows where it will go from there…

Sue and I have a very nice evening routine…regardless of the day we still take time to gather at 5 pm for happy hour and to catch up on some tv…that leads into dinner and then we watch some other things (currently catching up on Sons of Anarchy as well as other things we have DVR’d). That usually brings us to around 9 pm…at which point Sue heads to bed.

After she does that, I don’t find myself particularly tired, I’ve never needed a lot of sleep and now the slowdown of daily activity has made sleep not nearly as necessary. So I will stay up, scroll around, watch some sporting events depending upon the season, write, as I am doing now and still not get seemingly sleepy.

If you’ve been reading over the past few years, you know that I’ve expressed befuddlement (and yes, dismay) that I have far many more days behind me than ahead of me. I continue to struggle with that, and the latest “bout” happens each night as it gets quiet and still. My mind races around things like “is it possible that this might be the night I settle into sleep and don’t see the morning?”, “if I don’t wake up, who handles the dumb stupid day to day stuff that is simply part of my routine?”, “what about all the things I still want to do?” and on and on

Eventually, because I have nothing better to do, I will settle into bed, toss and turn for a while, eventually sleep, usually (according to my Apple watch) in various states of light, deep, REM, awake etc…I rarely feel rested in the morning, not tired, but not really refreshed. I think, if I had my druthers, I’d forego sleeping and simply relish the time left whatever that might be.

I guess in the still of tonight, my thoughts have run out. Back to listening to music…”Alexa, play….”

In July of 2022, while in Wilton, CT visiting friends and family, I was able to get 4 tickets to the second show of Bruce’s tour. It would be in Atlanta, GA, closest venue to our new abode in SC. (I got 4 as Tori had said she was interested in going as well)…so on Thursday 2/2 Sue and I headed further on up the road with excitement. Tori and Paul were flying in and we were going to dinner that night, the show was the next night and then we had another dinner planned for the last night of the mini trip.

The drive to Atlanta was very easy, (my GPS did reroute me the last 2 miles due to a major kerfuffle on I-75 right as we were coming into town), we checked into a very mediocre hotel with a King room that would have only been truly King if you were in Lilliput. We tried to get actual wine glasses or even anything that was not disposable coffee cup type so we could enjoy the wine we brought along. Eventually, even though we needed 4 (and there was a full bar at the hotel) we “scored” 2 and Tori and Paul ended up using the one glass that was in the room (yup, ONE glass) and another stemless that mysteriously was brought along with the wine glasses. Chris and Shelby (who live in the East Lake area of the ATL) met us for dinner and the company was wonderful (the meal…somewhere between mediocre and ok…but priced way above that). Sleep was not our friend that night, and the next day after wandering around some shopping area, we got back to the room and I did get a little time to rest (no sleep but did recharge)…a pre show HH led us up to where we were leaving to head to a Pub near the arena (we were only a few minute walk from everything), the pub was PACKED so we ambled down a block down to a Margaritaville and after a 40 minute wait had exactly what you would expect from them for dinner…(now the irony of it is that the last time we saw Bruce live was at the Mohegan Sun and we also had dinner at the Margaritaville there). And then we headed to State Farm Arena…found our seats and not too much later the first notes to “No Surrender” hit the air…

I have been incredibly lucky to have seen so many great shows over the years ranging from Doo-Wop to Frank Sinatra to Meatloaf, to Pavarotti, Linda, JDSouther, Eagles, Jimmy Buffet, Sting, Allman Brothers, and on and on but there is one absolute truth…Bruce Springsteen is, without even a close second, the greatest live performer I have ever seen! His shows are are like a controlled but runaway roller coaster at a revival meeting. There are truly no words to paint the picture that must be experienced to understand. You could feel the pent up energy he had from the years of lockdown and it was an explosion of joy from the stage and back to the stage from “the faithful”. While I was hoping for some different songs that were not on the setlist it didn’t matter…what he played he played flawlessly. For me the holy trinity on any setlist is She’s the One, Rosalita and Jungleland….he played 2 of the 3 (alas, Jungleland was the one missing)…however he did play The Rising, maybe the most emotionally charged song in his catalog for those of us who’ve been through that time. The E Street Band is so incredible, it’s as if they are all attached together by an unseen umbilical cord. While Clarence’s presence is missed, he’s always hovering in the air. Jake Clemons is now playing Clarence’s actual sax and that adds a depth to his playing that was missing from early tours when he was using his own horn.

As is fitting, the show ended with Bruce, solo, with an acoustic guitar and a newish song…For close to three hours he raised us up and gently lowered us back to earth to walk back to the hotel in the afterglow. As tired as we were, we did stop for a bit of libation at the hotel (along with seemingly half of the folks who had been at the show) and the following day had a great dinner at Ray’s in the City (the best meal of the weekend by far)…

Sunday morning, Tori and Paul headed to the airport and Sue and I drove back…but….there was a stop on the way…Macon, GA and “The Big House”….the home that the Allman Brothers Band used as their base of operations when starting out (and for a long time after)…I almost decided to not make the stop and that would have been one of the things I would have regretted…

I have been listening to their music since 1971….yup, over 50 years and that amounts to about 72% of my life. There was something both magical and surreal about being there…The “Big House” is anything but…it’s actually not much larger than our former home in CT, and when you think about how many folks lived and worked there it is kinda funny. To be able to stand in the same rooms they played in, to see (and yes occasionally touch) some of the things that produced music I listened to this very afternoon while on a walk. To read correspondence, see some of the clothes (they were really, really skinny and tiny gents) and just take in the air was almost an out of body experience for me…(no I’m not being overly dramatic it’s exactly how I felt)…To see the picture of Elizabeth Reed, the real person was great. [I did decide not to go to Rose Hill Cemetery to see Duane’s, Greg’s, Berry’s and yes, Elizabeth’s graves as I was not feeling all that well but that didn’t take away from the experience at all]

The way I can positively state that Bruce is the best live performer I’ve ever seen, I can also state that the Allman Brothers Live at the Fillmore album is the best live music album I’ve ever heard (and holds up after 50+ years as if it was recorded yesterday ) so it was fitting that it closed down what was a wonderful experience.

Rosie did come out Friday night and we found that there a’int but One Way Out…

Loss is never easy, it’s hard to say that some loss is tougher than others as they all hurt. Sometimes, though, it just cuts more deeply, or at least it seems that way.

Four years ago today, I got a message that Uncle Dominick P. Starace has passed away. If you’ve read before, you know how I felt and what he meant to me and why. I’ll not put you though a repeat, if you’ve not read and are at all interested, you can go back to the archives and find a couple of posts about him. I believe the last one was titled “I can hear your voice in the wind”…

Today, the sun is shining in Bluffton, SC and I’ve listened to Cliff Eberhardt’s song The Long Road (the song both the title of this and the prior one are taken from) while I’m typing. The house agnostic can’t help but feel today, that his smile is still there and is somehow pushing the sun out to shine today.

I miss him…

There are the ones you call friends
There are the ones you call late at night
There are the ones who sweep away your past
With one wave of the hand
There are the ones you call family
There are the ones you hold close to your heart
There are the ones who see danger in you
And won’t understand

I can hear your voice in the wind
Are you calling to me? Down the long road
Do you really think that there’s an end
I have followed my dreams, down the long road

You are the one that I met long ago
You are the one who saw my dream
You are the one who took me from my home
And left me off somewhere
Somehow I feel you are here
You are waiting in that dream
Somewhere down this road we will awake
And be at the start again

I can hear your voice in the wind
Are you calling to me? Down the long road
Do you really think that there’s an end?
I have lived my whole life, down the long road
I’ve got to find you tonight
Are you waiting for me?
I have followed my dream
I have lived my whole life
Are you waiting for me?

I can hear your voice in the wind
Are you calling to me? Down the long road
Do you really think that there’s an end
I have followed my dream, down the long road

I can hear your voice in the wind
Are you calling to me? Down the long road
Do you really think that there’s an end
I will live my whole life, down the long road

I can hear your voice in the wind
Are you calling to me? Down the long road
Do you really think that there’s an end
I have followed my dreams, down the long road