profkf's Blog

I find it funny that now that I have a lot of time to relax, to think, to read, to simply enjoy the passage of time (THE secret o’ life according to James Taylor), it is overwhelmingly apparent that same commodity, time, is perhaps the most agile thief of all.

I was watching some golf this afternoon, Tiger Woods is playing his first official tournament of the year and it is so evident that time has stolen much from him (yes, injury plays a part, but I’m talking about the little things that are not really that physical…matters of judgement and touch). In earlier years, you would never see him fluff a chip shot or miss putts that us “regular folks” can make most of the time.

Professional athletes do have a relatively short effective “shelf life” at their zenith, but even us “regular folks” have much of their “best steps” stolen away by that same thief. I guess the fact that I’m able to recognize that while simultaneously lamenting it, should be considered a benefit, it means I’ve been around long enough to have it happen “in its time”. I’ve not been cheated with early demise but simply riding the river of time, probably better than many.

That brings me to what really caused these thoughts today. Late in March of 2012, after much nudging, I gave in to the fact that we should get a dog, Sue never had one as an adult and it took me a while (quite a while actually) to come around. So we picked a pig in a poke and sight unseen (other than a picture on the rescue site) we met the rescue bus and welcomed Abbey THE dog….Abbey, who ran out of the house the first day I was alone with her and led the entire neighborhood on a merry chase before our neighbor managed to coax her into her car a few blocks away. Abbey who two days later, snapped the flexible leash when darting off after a squirrel when Sue just let it play out till the end quite the perfect example of the old HS Physics formula F=MA and again had to be coaxed home (this time she ran into our driveway and right into the open car I had. Abbey who pulled Sue down one icy Superbowl Sunday night causing multiple staples in Sue’s head and who again pulled her down another night causing the gas line to the whole how generator to become detached. Abbey who barks at the sound of a bird on a wire (think about that), Abbey who had to be drugged to a fair thee well to make the drive from CT to SC when we moved. Abbey who, though all that, is my buddy.

Abbey is slowing down, and it’s increasingly noticeable. Her back legs are weak and she can no longer hop into the car unaided, she can’t make it onto the bed with a bench to jump to, even with a running start and a rug to grip on the chances are only 50-50 that she can make the leap. Her walks still start out with her excited and jumping up and down (though slipping on floors without carpet as she spins) but the walks are shorter and where once, we had to put the leash on the front of her harness to prevent pulling she now more often than not, ambles along.

It is clear that time, the thief, is lurking around, and while not knocking on the door just yet, has made his/her presence known.

2016 – 2020 were alarmingly upsetting on so many levels. It has nothing to do with the two major parties, there has always been a difference between them and there will always be, honest debate and difference of opinion is not only healthy, it is how society grows and learns from each other. The cataclysmic shift that happened is still something that I cannot grasp. Someone with absolutely no qualifications of any kind of successful, honest leadership threw open a door to things that have always existed in the good old US of A, but seemed to have been relegated to a substantial minority.

I was very fortunate to have had an outstanding education, albeit in Catholic schools from the 1st grade through high school. It was incredibly rigorous in terms of academics, but it also contained things that today, one would not expect from such a background. We were in St. Brendan’s, of course, well schooled Catholic philosophy and beliefs and in elementary school (grades 1-8, there was no “middle school” or “junior h.s. in those settings back then) it was hammered home that ours was the “one true religion” and that anyone not following those precepts were to be eternally damned to hell. Cardinal Spellman HS was a different story. Yes, religion classes were required each year, but there was no emphasis on the damning to hell, there was a full blown inclusion of other belief systems with comparisons about the similarities (Espiscopals were referred to as “catholic lite”) and the differences (Jewish Kosher practices, for example, were explained from a historical perspective as well as from a biblical belief aspect). We were also always encouraged to think for ourselves, and to not blindly follow something or someone without a mountain of evidence that we could be comfortable with. We read all manner of literature across the four years, many of which are on the “banned” list today. We laughed at the possibility of Fahrenheit451 being anything more than science fiction. The nation’s foundation based upon slavery was covered extensively, and I suspect that had we known as much as we know today, it would have gone into even more depth, but for its time it was incredibly comprehensive.

We were encouraged to be empathetic and to look for the good in every situation. There were significant consequences (yes, including physical punishment) for name calling if it was discovered, and the jocks coexisted with the nerds who shared lunch with the musicians and the theater folks. We were taught that you could not form a reasonable opinion on a matter until you learned about it, about what caused it and what the ramifications were. We were taught that the rise of Fascism in the 30’s were mostly economic and that singular “charismatic” leaders took advantage of the situation and not only the Holocaust but the death of tens of thousands on both sides was directly due to these leaders.

We were also taught that good overcomes evil (there’s that catholic undertone again), and that we were now moving further and further ahead. Civil Rights laws, desegregation, the beginning of the recognition that “all men are created equal” should really read “all people are created equal” and that women were as capable as men on every front.

I’ve lived through JFK, RFK, MLK, being killed, Manson, Son of Sam, Vietnam, 9/11, and currently the ever growing mass shootings, yet until 2016 I was never afraid for the nation. I did think that 2020 was a glimmer of hope and a wake up, yet then 1/6 happened and today that same person, the one who encouraged it, is back like the Master from the Hellmouth in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

We are again subjected to daily missives of name calling, threats (both direct and couched), and the real possibility that the nation I have been so lucky to live in for 71+ years is at risk of dying in the darkness. I have many personal fundamental disagreements with Liz Chaney, Mitt Romney, et al, I didn’t really support either Bush or Regan, I did vote for Nixon one of the two times he ran, but at no time was I ever worried even with RMN, that the foundation of our nation was at risk. I cannot say that today and it is, as it says in the title, mind numbingly confusing. Every administration inherits problems, but when a candidate is so “feared” by those currently in power that they can dictate a negotiated compromise cannot go forward since it doesn’t benefit HIM, you can only shake your head. If you are thoughtful you will find problems and flaws in every single administration from George Washington through Joe Biden, however there is really only one of those administrations that has and continues to orchestrate a change from a democracy to a fascist dictatorship.

Democracy Dies in Darkness….we can only hope that there is enough light left to keep that from happening before history is rewritten for good…as close as we are now to the Handmaid’s Tale, let’s hope we never get to where The Man in The High Castle is anything more than fiction.

If you’re reading this, likely you have read other recent musings. I have been fighting age related maladies and it has hit me like a brick of pure depression. The latest is (was) the arthritis diagnosis in my feet that has no surgical magic “fix” they way the hips did. There was the Rx of custom orthotics but I was leery about their efficacy. The wait for them was over a month and the inability to walk comfortably for anything over 1/4 of a mile in any shoes had me sinking into a deeper and deeper funk.

Well, I picked them up on Monday (that’s 4 days ago at this writing) and while they were not uncomfortable themselves, every shoe I tried them in created its own problem. (Full disclosure: I hate wearing socks except to run). With every shoe, even using “foot glide” they raised my foot up just enough that I was in the “about to blister” part of the program. So, I added socks to the mix, and that helped a bit, but the heel was still slipping in the shoe more than it should (I had settled on my Nike Air Pegasus running shoes at the best). Then it occurred to me that I had seen a way to lace those that helped the heel be more stable, and lo and behold, THAT seems to have taken care of that problem.

The other issue was that now that the inserts were realigning my gait, my muscles, hips, knees and hamstrings were barking at me since they had not been used that way for who knows how long.

Having rehabbed knees and hips I was very cautious to not overdue things so each day has been a bit more effort…The brings me right up to this morning.

Socks, foot glide, better lacing and off I went for what I hoped would be a nice walk in a nice 55 degree morning here in South Carolina….The result 2.27 miles (the longest by a full mile in a very long time) of a delightful stroll with no pain and no blistering….and added hope that things are looking up.

What all of that did was give me pause to think (I once told a very dear friend that I do my best thinking while running or swimming, in this case the return to walking will have to stand in) about how incredibly fortunate I continue to be…

While I’m not really in love with our living community if I ever move again it will NOT be to somewhere with an HOA, I love the weather in SC, We have a beautiful, comfortable home, our costs are between 2/3 and 3/4 lower than they were. While aging is not for the feint of heart, and all the “little things” are annoying…they are (at least up to now) truly little things. Not one single issue I’ve had has been something that is life threatening, or something that was unable to be addressed and for the most part ameliorated quickly. The fine medical folks in SC simply cannot believe the quality of the medical coverage we have and the fact that we don’t have to make health choices based upon finance is another positive. As an example the custom orthotics, out of pocket, would have been $800 per pair (the Orthopedist apologized when he “had” to prescribe them as they are “so expensive”…however, much to the amazement of the doc, my medical plan covers unlimited pairs with only a $10 copay per pair…so once I’m sure that they are right, I will have 4 more pairs made so I don’t have to shift from shoe to shoe…not having to make a choice based on finance….

Given the opportunity to reflect on all this while walking, it hit me that I should just grow the hell up, stop letting the little shit make me annoyed or sad, and to remember that for the most part, it’s ALL little shit…

It continues to be a lovely cruise…..

So in the land of “having way too much time on my hands” I decided to add up the digits of this year and the year to come and ended up with the title…then I looked up the significance of those numbers and this immediately came up “Both Sevens and Eights are extremely strong willed and independent and so both resist being controlled by the other” (it’s as if some A.I. algorithm put in Sue and I when I searched that significance if you add up the digits of our birth years, both end up in the digit 7)

Honestly it means nothing since I’m no more a believer in numerology than I am in catholicism (though the latter has given me far more scars than the former) but it was just something I was trying to get to spur some creative words. I’ve had many fragmented thoughts over the past few weeks but have almost felt blocked for something worth putting out. (That said, it’s not as if there are legions of readers hanging on my every effort or waiting for the next “edition” as they would be for the next Donna Tart book)

More often than not, these expositions are just ways to ramble on and to converse with the universe, and I suspect, as I am currently engaged in true stream of consciousness (eternal thanks to Bob Baisley in 10th grade for introducing that phrase to me), that this will end up that way when I hit the publish button, but here goes.

I feel like it’s necessary to spend some time at almost year end thinking back on what has gone one this year and what upcoming looks like. Perhaps it’s my way of asking the train headed to the station “When all is said and done” to slow down and maybe even take an extended refueling break on the way, maybe it’s just self important silliness. It’s been both a relaxing (how can retirement not be you ask…) and fun filled year. We spent time with friends and family last year, drinking, dining, laughing etc, I got to spend a few days with my son, daughter in law, and grand daughters at their home doing all kinds of fun (if incredibly frenetic) activities) and also being able to spend some time with my daughter, son in law and fourth granddaughter. An epic trip to Paso Robles with some of those same friends ending in Carmel By The Sea and then just recently two days at the Biltmore in Ashville. Our community pool finally opened and both Sue and I returned to lap swimming which we both loved, I managed 37 days in a row and only missed 3 days total before it ended up closing down (it’s unheated) for the season (the last week or so it was incredibly cold but kinda fun). Sue has managed to keep up a few days a week in the town pool, I’ve not felt the pull to drive to swim when I was so used to simply strolling down to do my laps.

Lately, the leg I hurt playing golf almost two years ago when I slipped and slammed it into the side of the cart while getting in started to hurt. I saw an orthopedist yesterday who said there was no residual damage, but the bad news was the arthritis that caused my hip replacements back in ’09, ’10 has now taken hold of my feet (part of that is the genetic “blessing” of having flat feet). Unlike the hips which were surgically reparable, not so much with the feet, however the “good news” such that it is, is that custom orthotic inserts should ameliorate much of it.

That brings me back to the “train” and it’s forward motion…the good news is that if that is the worst of the news then I need to just smile and laugh about it, the bad news is the psychological jolts of what “getting old” means and while I still see 19 in the mirrror, the harsh reality is that I have trouble opening jars, driving in the dusk (even with the improved eyes from the almost two year old cataract surgery), and yes the continuing progression of the arthritis.

Tonight I will raise a glass (or two or three) to all the loved ones lost recently and those who have been gone a while, this season always brings back wonderful memories and also I find myself frequently saying “Wow, _____(fill in the blank) would have loved this”

Well…I guess I’ve waded in this particular “stream” long enough for now..time to take a stroll with Abbey THE dog.

We’ll drink a cup of kindness yet
For the sake of auld lang syne

For the longest time I had a long game vision, I’d work hard, I’d do my best to be as good a father as I could be, years would pass, I’d retire and then have the luxury of time and the freedom to escape the increasingly hated winters and spend time in the sunshine for a few months of the year and then spring and summers and maybe early fall back home. I’d have the best of both worlds, and would not have to give up family, friends, great food, laughs, connections.

Let’s look at where that vision has gone.

The good news: I did fulfill the dream to escape the winters and snow and ice and cleanup. I do have the luxury of time (well, in the sense that I don’t owe anyone a piece of my time anymore…the other part of time…I’ve written about that before and that was never something I could control).

The mediocre news: We didn’t end up in a situation where we have the luxury of being in both places, the summers here are humidity laden and really oppressive (but only mediocre in the sense that I would not trade that for the 3-4 months of snow/ice/cold).

The not so good news: Family, Friends and connections are far away, I know both of us never thought we’d make the same friends and connections here that we have developed over decades back home, however, I also know that neither of us ever thought it would be as difficult as it is starting from scratch here. Many folks are nice, most in fact, but there is simply something missing in terms of connections.

I guess the thought is a combination of “be careful what you wish for” and “the grass is always greener” along with a healthy mixture of “when you make plans, make sure your plans are well laid out” and “men plan, god laughs” (keeping in mind my agnostic take on the universe).

If YOU have the luxury of being around friends and family for the holidays, unlike us, enjoy the hell out of it.

When you are young you are (at least in your own mind) immortal. Then you end up “adulting” you have responsibilities, work, bills, kids, and you end up in the middle of the sandwich of life, you’re not young, certainly not immortal, but you still have folks ahead of you moving along down the road.

Then, time continues to move along, thief that it is, and over time you are no longer in the middle of the sandwich, you somehow, rise to the forefront. I know, it’s odd to be lamenting this when the alternative to changing places in that sandwich is even more daunting, however, the time comes when reality really smacks you in the face like a well placed cast iron pan after you ask your wife “since you only have two feet, exactly how many pairs of shoes DO you need?”

It seems that every day there is another notice of someone close lost to the ether, and you (well at least I), start to dwell on the unknowable, that being how much longer the ride lasts, and more, how much of that remaining ride will be enjoyable in terms of activity and health. Each and every little tweak, stretch, step, motion that does not go unnoticed becomes cause for doubt. “Am I just tired, or is my balance not what it once was?” “Did I sleep awkwardly, or is something starting to go”, “Have my wonderful replaced hips started to actually wear out?” When will the day come that the simple tasks are no longer simple? When does “age” really begin to catch up to the point where you actually ”see” the difference? Many of the sports and music people I’ve followed are not reaching that point, where somewhere around 80 (it seems) speech, activity and motion do seem to change noticeably…that, dear readers, is less than a decade away for me (it’s around 8.6 years but who’s counting?)

On the one hand, I can still easily swim a mile (not at breakneck pace, but without any issue and without and stopping during the laps), I can’t seem to jog painlessly or effortlessly as I was able to do just a couple of years ago, and I do dwell on that setback, more than enjoy the ability to swim that distance (and I have done more than a mile when I’m in the mood).

I appreciate any and all who actually read these words, it simply allows me to wonder and worry without involving anyone else. I’ll end this with a couple of lines from a Jimmy Buffet widely overlooked song “He Went To Paris” however, this tome currently and thankfully would replace “had” with HAVE

“…,some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic
But I had a good life all the way”